It was only a matter of time. Pump your body full of steroids and immunosuppressents for long enough and the end result is inevitable. I just wish that rock bottom hadn't been quite so hard. A pillow or two would have been nice.
I stayed home sick the Friday before last weekend. By home I mean the hospital. Not a great way to start a long weekend in which my roommate was hosting two parties. I was exhausted but had promised a few months ago to do menu planning and food prep, and I was not about to back out my end of the deal. I'm tired of letting people down. Saturday found me sitting on a stool in the kitchen. I don't even have enough energy to stand for a couple hours to make dinner anymore. If I had to pinpoint a starting point for my fall to rock bottom, this would be it.
The next piece was a hike that I can usually run, but it instead left me crying in my car afterwards with my arms wrapped around myself as if trying to hold it together. The rest of the week brought eight hour work days followed by five hour marathon homework sessions. By today (Saturday) I was running on empty, with an entire week's worth of course work to get done before I leave on Tuesday. I had planned on going to a soccer game solo due to changed plans, but found I didn't even have the energy to even drive. Then I snapped at someone and set off a chain reaction of things that I feared the most. All of this found me crying on the phone to a friend from back home, terrified.
And that's when it happened. I said to her: "I wish they had never found what was wrong for me, at least then I could be blissfully ignorant."
What a load of bullshit. A wagon of "I'm feeling sorry for myself-ness".
Yes, the RCD diagnosis sucks. Yes, I hate not working out and I hate feeling like I can't hold myself together, but saying something like that is admitting defeat. If it was not for my RCD diagnosis, I would have been hospitalized as my body started to shut down, first through loss of essential vitamins, then through it attacking itself and slowly breaking down. I am lucky. I am blessed to be given the chance to get better and go back to normal. Not everyone gets that chance and there are so many who have it worse than me.
Anyways, while I am still scrambling to put back the pieces, rock bottom is starting to get a bit more comfortable. It is likely that i'll be back here again before this is all over, but at least I can leave some pillows for next time.
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