Faith and Cycling: Why I Ride

So as many of you know, I ride for Cru Cycling for the Women’s Little 500 race. Well we have a team testimony night coming up and that has had me thinking about why I ride and what has kept me going, so the following is my testimony. I do not intend to preach, nor do I wish to offend. This is just my story, and I thought it was time that I share it, all of it, including my faith.

Growing up I went to church, got confirmed through the Catholic Church and kind of wandered through faith. My senior year of high school I started riding for fun and then got into racing, joining Wing It Cycling my freshman year of college. It was amazing, for the first time I felt like I was a part of this group that had the ability to accomplish whatever we wanted. We qualified 9^th and I was lucky enough to join the race as a freshman, competing in my first Little 500.  During this time I also became involved in a Cru Bible Study, attending when I could around Little 500 training. The end of the year came around and I went into the summer so excited about racing. It was finally my chance to be great at something, to show the world what I could do. I ramped up my riding, and did a few road races over the summer.

It is crazy how God works, because just when you think you are at the top, that nothing could bring you down, he has a way of stepping in and showing you how little control you really have. Going into my sophomore year I was so excited about Little 500, shifting my priorities to training and no longer being as actively involved in Cru or my local church. We had an amazing team and all signs pointed towards a top five finish. I was riding more and more, and getting stronger every day. It was around September that I began to notice a nagging pain in my right knee, including large amounts of swelling around the joint. I tried to work through it, again thinking I did not need any help, but following the Hilly Hundred my knee gave out.

We went to see a specialist who gave a general, vague diagnosis of muscle overuse. I was told to take it easy and only do light riding until after the Fall Cycling Series races were over. I did this, and yet the clicking, swelling and general joint pain only got worse. We went back to see a different orthopedic surgeon and that was when Chondromalacia was diagnosed. It’s a huge problem with female cyclists, involving severe muscle imbalances. I had it badly enough the orthopedic surgeon at one point told me I should be prepared for the worst outcome: not being able to train as a competitive cyclist.

I was devastated. I distinctly remember getting home that night and just sitting on the floor, staring at the mirror on my dorm room door. Everything that I had spent months working towards, that I had put my identity into was crashing down around me. I ended up attending Cru that night and one of the staff, the coach for the Cru Men’s Cycling team, ended up listening to me as I sobbed through my situation. I was a wreck. He prayed for me and that I would find some sort of peace in this problem, and at the time I shrugged it off.  I continued to ask the question: What kind of God would do this to me?

That night was the turning point though, I began to regularly attend Cru again, to get back involved with my church and found a new Bible Study. I threw myself into rehabilitation, working with a physical therapist four times a week. Still I was not making the connection, I thought if I worked hard enough I would get my dreams back on track. Unfortunately, that was not the case. In December I made the hard decision to leave my Little 500 team to focus on physical therapy, even though I was making little progress. At this point it felt like I had nothing left. One night during Bible Study we were working through James, and I came across the following passage in James 1:2-3. “Consider it all joy my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance”. This was the final piece for me, and it was in that moment that I realized if I continued to make my own plans, if I continued to rely solely on myself I was going to get nowhere.

I began praying, just asking God to show me a way. If that meant giving up cycling, then so be it but at this point I knew He was showing me that I couldn’t accomplish what He wanted on my own, that I had to trust him. I continued to work through physical therapy, and started to see results. I began to ride with the Cru Women’s team, helping them since it was their first year on the track and I had some skills to offer their student coach Jaclyn. But most of all I prayed for God to show me a way out of this mess I had created.

I got better. It hit the point that the physical therapist told me that it was one of the fastest turn arounds he had ever seen. Not only was I better, but I was stronger than I had been prior to being injured.  Still, I was hesitant to throw myself back into training. If I was going to race again it was going to be because that was where God wanted me. I slowly stepped into the field again, racing on the road for the IU Club Team, and Team Scholars Inn Bakehouse. The thing was, it was no longer about winning just for the glory. It was about going out there, supporting teammates and most important of all, showing Christ’s love through racing. That summer was the best season yet. I did over twenty races, winning my first race and achieving a Category 3 upgrade.

Coming into my Junior year I decided to join Cru Women’s Cycling team for the Little 500 race. Surrounding myself with a team who was racing for the love of sport, and so that they could pour their hearts into those around them was an amazing experience. I learned how much of a platform sports provided, and how the relationships you build on the track and on the road can be used to show God’s love.  It was no longer just about winning or personal glory, it was about doing the best you can with the gifts you were given, and using them in a manner that glorified God.  The following summer was a whirlwind, with attending a USA Cycling regional development camp, as well as competing in local races and realizing just how strong I could be if I let God control the outcome.

So, here I am now in the last semester of my Senior year. I am training as a member of the Cru Women’s team still, but I have realized a greater role that I play in God’s plan. Cycling is at a turning point; it is a sport that is struggling to find a place amongst scandal and growth. As a cyclist I can impact and reach people who may have previously never thought about how their faith affects them, and how they can use cycling to reach out to others. I’m training with the IU Club Cycling team and a local road team, with the end goal of racing at Collegiate Nationals, and then hopefully going on to race as a professional (though I realize that is years down the road). The difference is that I am doing this because I have seen that racing at that level provides a platform, an automatic understanding and bond with a group that in some ways needs Christ’s love the most right now.

I’m not perfect and I realize that. I have days where I think it is all about me, and I have days where my faith is the furthest thing from my mind, when I just want to be the best. Every time this happens, when I get to wrapped up in training and beating everyone else, God brings me back and I remember James 1: 2-3. My injuries produced a faith that is strong and enduring, and one that can hopefully be stronger than my pride.

“Consider it all joy my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance”

This Life Would Kill Me...If I Didn't Have You

Well another weekend of long rides and decently good weather has come and gone. We have been relatively lucky this winter with the weather. A quick recap of the riding:

Emma and Ashton, best riding partners ever.

Friday I headed out with Scholars Inn Bakehouse/ IU Club teammates Emma and Ashton. We had fun dealing with some major wind and chit chatting about racing as well as the typical gossip. We are girls after all haha.

Bonnie working her way up the backside of Hindustan

Saturday we took the Cru team out for a rough ride, the wind took a toll on everyone. It was a day for a lot of tough love with the rookies. I was happy to catch three guys from the Cutters who pretty much pulled the group in and provided some amusement to keep minds off the wind. I then headed back out for a Bakehouse ride, getting lost along the way and doing a couple of miles on gravel roads.

You know you're lost when suddenly there is only gravel in front of you...

Sunday I left with the Bakehouse team and although I hung on through the first few surges, I got dropped on the run out of the causeway. I was in for a long three hours out to the end of 446 and back. The weather was nice, but the quiet and the ever present wind was taking a toll.

It was in that moment that I passed the first group of riders that had turned around, a teammate Cameron shouted some encouragement, and maybe twenty minutes later the same happened when I passed the second group of riders. Finally, on my way back into town I passed an old friend who shouted "Keep going Palmer" or something to that effect. According to him I don't smile enough when I ride.

As I rolled back into town I realized how lucky I am to be riding in Bloomington, and how lucky I am to receive encouragement out on the road. A lot of people who ride as much as I have been lately are relegated to long hours alone, and while I do my fair share of that, there are always people around, encouraging me. I am blessed by three amazing teams, and over a hundred local cyclists. They've pushed me up hills, encouraged me to keep going, and have provided joy when the long hours on the bike become a little too much.

Anyways, this is rambling, as per usual. But long story short, this life would kill me if I didn't have you. So I guess what I am trying to say is, thank you.

Take That Rage...

"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul...... and especialy whenever my hypos get such an upper hand on me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."
Herman Melville, Moby-Dick

"Take that rage, put it on a page."
The Script, If You Could See Me Now

Today was a rough day for me. It started with getting called out for a search and recovery out by Lake Monroe at 6am, it ended with a late night run to put some frustrations to rest. I may not be able to take to the sea so working out is the best I can do. Sometimes Nationals, State Championships, all of my goals for the season are just a little too far from reach. 

So, some things to think about. Also, if you even considering professional cycling the below link is something to read. It does not change my goals, but it is something to read, if only so that I can chase after my goals with eyes wide open. 

http://www.nicolecooke.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&layout=blog&id=1&Itemid=18

A Weekend to Remember

This weekend represented the epitome of cycling for me. From the best of weather to the worst, it was the capstone of a very successful week.

To start off, this week was the first in a while where I finished all of my scheduled rides, as scheduled (except for the surprise 90 mile sojourn). My powertap and computer are finally settled and everything seems to be working well (fingers crossed). Everything was coming together.

Friday I headed out with Lyndi, a teammate from Cru. I had a short interval to do and she was along for the pull. I felt great. Better than I had in weeks. I know a lot of that had to do with the warm weather, but Forest has honestly never been better. We came back into town just in time for the Cru Team meeting, and it was great to get all seven of us in the same place. With five returning veterans and two rookies things are looking very good for us and that combined with the warm weather had me excited.

The early morning view on the lake out by MMSF.

Saturday I was up early to hit Breakfast Club at Kilroy's with Arianna. After that we went out to work off the food and mimosas. I had a three hour ride scheduled so we did a few loops of Forest before heading in. While we were out I saw half of Bloomington it seemed. The IUCC men were out, as well as DG, Phi Delts, Forest, Wing It, DU and numerous others. As we were coming up cascades I saw a large group of Scholars Inn Bakehouse riders as well as some IUCC guys heading back out. Excited to see people I turned around and headed out with them. Possibly a big mistake, but the weather was so nice.

Arianna at the start of our second run through the forest.

I headed out for about 45 minutes with them before running out of water. I turned and headed for home, knowing that continuing to work as hard as I was without water was a bad idea. I reached the top of firehouse hill and headed inside the firehouse to fill up on water. Coming back outside I really did not want to stop riding. Again, the weather was so nice (see the trend). So I headed back out and linked up with the large group again to come back into town with them. So, what had ended up being a three hour scheduled ride, turned into five and a half. 90 miles, done.

Sunday was a whole other story. I had another three hour ride scheduled and the weather had turned to rain and 35 degree temperatures. My dad has always said that if you can't ride in it, you won't be able to race in it. With the collegiate season the way it is I have raced in snow, ice and sleet and I knew weather conditions like this were likely to occur at some point. I met up with the Bakehouse group and off we went. As we headed out of town there was a minor wreck in the back, but once that was settled we headed off again, maintaining a fairly high speed but nothing like the usual race pace that occurs.

The rain got hard, the conversation got quieter and the temperature plummeted. I have never been more thankful for the pulls of the stronger guys in the group (Paul and one of the SIBH men). We reached the flashers and turned back into the wind, all seven of us staying together. At this point the rain was even worse, and it was a struggle to see more than a few feet in front of where you were. As we hit the causeway the group split up with the stronger guys headed for home and AEPi waiting to collect one of their rookies who had been struggling. I continued home alone, constantly fighting to keep moving.

Sure, it may not have been the smartest decision but I am cozy, warm and well-fed now. Not only that but I have the knowledge that faced with those conditions in a race situation, I can handle it.

The end of the world as we know it...

Well the world may not have ended, but my life has been a roller-coaster lately. Coming into winter break I was really struggling to find the motivation to ride, even when I was riding outside I had a hard time focusing on my workouts. On top of this I was ending one of my worst semesters in college, and the idea of spending the upcoming holiday at my empty apartment was not terribly exciting. Cue the pity party.

My motivation hit rock bottom this past Friday afternoon. After a mere twenty minutes on the rollers I gave up and headed over to my parents' where I was greeted by the news that dad was facing a medical problem that could seriously restrict racing for the rest of his life, and oh by the way Mom fell and cracked her ribs. I spent most of that evening bouncing between parents and taking notes during appointments. It was hard to be in the room when my dad got the news about how everything would affect his racing career.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve, due to a cliff diving accident we ended up driving up to Indianapolis to spend Christmas Eve there with my brother. As we said grace I realized how luck my family is that we were all together and relatively healthy. It put my lack of motivation in perspective. I don't ever want to find myself in my Dad's shoes, but if I ever do I want to have no regrets, like him. I've had to take some time off to be with my family, but I am very much looking forward to refocusing my efforts over the next few days.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Lessons Learned

The weeks seem to be just flying by. A lot of little victories have occurred since I last wrote, particularly training-wise.  I had my first century, as well as a series of really strong rides with guys from the Scholar's Inn Bakehouse Team. Health wise I have lost a fair amount of weight (15lbs since end of July actually) and am down to 120 lbs. While it makes it even harder to keep up with the guys on the downhills, I can already tell I am climbing better and generally faster.

Over the past few weeks I have learned a lot though, from my teammates, my coach and myself. A few of the lessons have been small, but it has very much re-enforced my drive and focus.

1. Talk about your goals. Big and small.
A goal, no matter how small is an important steppingstone towards greater things, and keeping them inside yourself is almost like cheating. You lose the accountability that comes from having others know what you want.  My goals coming into the fall were focused mostly around Collegiate Nationals, as well as working towards a Category 2 upgrade.

2. Sometimes rest is more important than training.
A few weeks ago I was supposed to do my century, but I came down with an annoying cold. As much as I didn't want to agree with it, I knew my coach was right when he said it was in my best interest not to do the century that weekend. I got better much faster, and was fortunate enough to attempt it a few weekends later.

3. Never give up. Ever.
Two years ago I was told by my orthopedic surgeon that there was a possibility that I would never ride again due to a problem with my knee. Last Sunday I rode 100 miles, today I did 60 with over a 17.8 average. Enough said.

4. Ask questions.
Local pros have been showing up to our team rides lately and I have been able to learn a lot just from asking them about their experiences, as well as from my team director and fellow riders. Curiosity never hurt anyone.... much.

5. Things that are worth it are rarely easy.
I know what my goals are, and I know what I want more than anything. Juggling Graduate School, 15 hours of riding, and 15 hours of work as well as writing workout plans for 8 girls on a Little 500 team does not make anything easy. Friday and Saturday nights often find me going to bed early, and the majority of my socialization occurs on a bike. I've had friends call me crazy, and maybe I am but honestly right now this is worth it to me.

Anyways. Just a few things that have been drilled into my head lately. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings!!!

Everything that happened in the last month....

Well, the amount of time that I spend on the rollers and the trainer has increased exponentially since I last posted, which can only mean one thing. Winter is here. Last week we saw some crazy temperatures in the 80s, and this week has seen high 30s and 40s. I don’t really mind riding in the cold, but it is still a sad task to pull out my booties and winter jackets.

October was a busy month both for me as well as Cru Cycling. Firstly I started with a new training approach that has seen my hours on the bike hover around 15 the last couple of weeks. My legs are feeling it, but at the same time I feel like I am getting stronger.

Fall Break saw me down in Tennessee to get some riding in the mountains. I was lucky enough to meet up with Kym and Mark from camp and they dragged my flatlander (relatively speaking) legs on 75 miles of climbing. I’m pretty sure the entire ride was either going uphill or downhill. This was with a 4 mile climb at the very end of the ride which I climbed solo pretty much the entire time.

View from the top of Raccoon Mountain, looking over Chattanooga. 

Hilly Hundred was the weekend after that, and I had the opportunity to ride with the Delta Upsilon Cycling team and Lyndi (another girl from Cru) the first day. They pulled us for the entire 55-mile ride at about 17.2mph and she and I were glad to be done at the end. Seriously though, it was fun to ride with such a great group of guys, and made the following day so much more relaxing. On Sunday we rode with my Dad’s old Little 500 team, Whissler 5, and even got the opportunity to see a few trophies from their 3^rd and 10^th (if memory is correct) place finishes.  Talk about Old Man Strength!

Hanging with my teammate Lyndi from Cru while the guys changed a flat.

Tuesday Night Race Series wrapped up last week and I am happy to say I finished the series tied for first with my Scholar’s Inn Bakehouse teammate Rachel who was riding for her L5 team, Kappa Alpha Theta Cycling. I was happy with this, but even happier to take two of the sprints on the last night of racing, especially since I do not usually sprint well on the Little 500 track.

Finally, Fall Cycling Series was this past weekend. Cru Cycling went into it just looking to have some fun but we ended up doing really well. ITTs started everything off and we had a 5^th and 8^th place finish for our top two, placing us in second for the first night. Cyclocross was the next day, and of course it rained the entire afternoon, creating a muddy course. Kudos to the IU Student Foundation though for creating a tough course for us to duke it out on with our single speed bikes. I am proud to say I did not go down and Lyndi and I finished in second for our team, cementing our second place spot. Saturday was the Duathalon, and I am in awe of the runners on our team, Arianna and Lyndi killed it by finishing 3^rd and 5^th.

Cru and our BFFs from Melenzana following Cyclocross. Muddy.

At this point we realized that we were in first place going into the last day of racing. This is crazy for a team that is only going into its third year as a team. Although we were not able to hold that place through Street Sprints, Arianna and Liz from Cru had very good finishes and we ended up in second place overall for the series. This means we get to pick our qualifications time for Little 500, which will be nice (hopefully!).

Anyways, things should be slowing down now that November is upon us. I am very much looking forward to putting aside the Little 500 bike for now. The next race I will be participating in will be at the very end of February, when Lindsey Wilson traditionally opens up the collegiate season for the MWCCC. I have been blessed to be riding with a great IU Club Cycling teammate Emma and I know both of us are looking forward to getting a chance to race the Marian team.